Scientists announce explanation of mysterious demise of DRL physics library

New developments from the theoretical accounting office:

Library Watch

Scientists at Penn’s office of cosmological accounting today announced the first observations confirming a controversial theory explaining the sudden collapse of DRL’s physics library.

Simon Quatschkopf of the accounting office’s theory division confirmed that ripples in the space time of DRL support the “Inflation Theory” once ridiculed in College Hall.

“We simply had no good explanation for the conversion of the physics part of the DRL library to an active learning physics lab,” Quatschkopf said. “As a cost cutting measure, it made no sense, since $160,000 had been spent just last year renovating the library. There are plans to convert two other classrooms in DRL to active learning labs in 2015. So destroying half the library to make another such lab in 2014 was a real puzzle to theorists. The explanation
that this was to avoid inconveniencing physics labs technicians consistently failed smell tests.”

“The Theory of Inflation explains everything,”…

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UPENN UNVEILS NEW COAT OF ARMS

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coat of arms, University of Pennsylvania

The University of Pennsylvania has revealed the design of its updated coat of arms. The original design, adopted in 1933, combines the Penn colors, elements from the Penn and Franklin families’ arms, and two books representing academia. In a press release, a university spokesperson explained that the changes were intended to reflect the university’s move towards a book-free learning environment, as evidenced by upcoming changes to the Engineering, Math, Physics and Astronomy libraries.

Students seemed less than happy about the change. “I can’t believe they got rid of the books,” said a college senior, who asked not to be named. “Now there’s just that weird little fish. That really stinks”.

UPENN TO GUT STEM LIBRARIES IN SOLIDARITY WITH PHILLY SCHOOLS

The University of Pennsylvania has announced plans to eliminate the Engineering library and reduce the size of its Math, Physics and Astronomy library by two thirds. According to President Amy Gutmann, this is part of Penn’s strategy to raise the level of social awareness among its student population. “We want our students to feel part of the broader Philadelphia community, so we decided on an experiential approach, where students will actively learn about the hardships facing Philadelphia’s public schools.” Gutmann admitted that students will still be able to access the books that will be removed, by sending a request to a storage facility in New Jersey, and waiting a few days.

When asked why the university chose to reduce the Engineering and MPA libraries instead of the Wharton school’s Lippincott library, Gutmann replied that she had to take future contributions from alumni into account. “I mean, it’s not like Donald Trump was a math major.”

The university plans to use the space previously occupied by the libraries to build two state-of-the-art active-learning classrooms.